Differences

"Happiness does not come from the kind of table a family sits around but from the interaction that takes place at that table." - Jacqueline Kramer

I have had gender differences on my mind for the last couple of days. Why? Two reasons. One is that I've been angry with my husband this week. And two, I'm bored out of my freakin' mind. Not physically. Physically I have thousands of things to do. I haven't touched a load of laundry in a week so there are NO clean socks. The kitchen floor is COVERED in food because my three and a half year old son just sent his lunch on a miniature airplane ride through the kitchen air. And, we're having people over tomorrow night.

I'm actually bored mentally. If I have to even LOOK at a sock, I'm going to send my own lunch on a miniature airplane ride. So, I'm looking through books, finding interesting quotes (one of my FAVORITE pastimes) and I found this one.

Now, this is a beautiful quote. It's also incredibly interesting. It's lovely and we all get it, but I want you to notice just one little thing. It was written by a mother.

Shane and I had a heated "conversation" the other day. For some time now, I have been unable to figure out why he doesn't seem to take our children's Autism as personally as I do. Not that it doesn't affect him. It does. He just doesn't seem to take it personally. That's because he's a father. He does try, really hard sometimes, to make the interaction at the table a good one. But, the issue doesn't reach into the core of his being and take chunks out of the very heart of who and what he thinks he is. As a mother, it does mine.

What sits at the core of Shane's ego, regarding our family, is his ability to provide for us. And not JUST to provide, but to provide everything he thinks we want. He thinks it's his job to provide the kind of table his family wants to sit at. This, for a father, sits at the very heart of what it means to be a man. Really, ladies. It really does. If it weren't for women wanting in door plumbing and warm beds, men would probably still be living in caves.

Right now, my husband is having to come to terms the fact that he can't provide enough to get our kids the medical attention they need (and some other things for the kids too, spring break and summer camps for Autistic kids are REALLY expensive). He knows I want these things for the kids. And my wanting something and him not being able to provide it...well...this he takes personally.

He can't possibly provide it all. It's just too damn much. This isn't because of his ambitions, it's because we live in a country where therapy is ridiculously expensive and big companies get away with not helping their employees. And, it might be because I want too much.

His insurance doesn't cover ANYTHING (not even in part) for Autism or developmental delays, nor can we afford the $4,000. per month (per child) that it would cost to get our kids the therapy they need out of our own pocket. He's reacted to all this in a variety of little ways. He gets worried about money. And, for good reason. I guess they'll stay at home with me next week for spring break. Yippee.

Now, I should probably mention that Shane is really familiar with the concepts I'm talking about here. He knows that the whole of who he is, isn't REALLY about his ability to provide everything we want. But, knowing it and experiencing it are two different things. Right now, he's experiencing it. And, I have to admit, he's doing it with a lot of grace and dignity.

When a man thinks he's providing everything the family wants, then everything is okay. Everyone should be happy. Right? He thinks so.

However, when he has fear in this area...well...it's bad. Some men have fears of success (I'll just never be able to provide enough) and become a bit bum-ish. Some have fears of failure and drive themselves to the top of the financial heap. Some waver back and forth between their dreams and what they think is reality, afraid to move toward their dream lest something goes wrong and there's no dinner on the table tonight. The table matters. It matters a lot. It's the manifestation of a man's ego, his very being.

Now, I don't really "get" that. I understand it intellectually, but not by experience. Still, it really isn't something to be taken lightly. I know this sounds odd, but I think it might just be the crux of the medical problems most often experienced by men. It's a big deal.

The ability of a man to be able to provide what his family wants (the kind of table) should be treated as nothing less than the ability of a woman to make sure her kids are okay (that the interaction at the table is good). Not that they need to make a bunch of money (nor do we need to have kids). They don't. Remember I said it's his EGO. Sometimes a man has to lose everything to realize that his ability to provide what OTHERS want (or not) IS NOT who he really is. And sometimes a woman has to have sick kids in order to realize that her ability to make everything okay for them (or not) IS NOT who she really is.

When my children are not okay (and they may not be after I've been stuck in the house with them all of next week), it rips at the very fabric of who and what I think I am. MY ego. I take it personally. Very personally.

I am a mother. I should be able to make my children okay! I should be able to make SURE that the interaction at the table is good! Shouldn't I? With Autistic kids though, the interaction isn't always good. And, when I can't make it good it means I'm a bad mom. A BAD mom. And this cuts to the very core of my being. Then, self will takes over (I need to read more books, do more research, why haven't I gotten that speech therapy book yet? I gotta find out about ABA, and how to apply it! I really should be reading to them more, finding ways to feed them better, teaching Cale sign language! Why am I not more loving, more consistent, more present?!!!). And I suffer.

Then what happens is that I look at this man who wants to go over the budget one more time and I want to yell, "But the kids are not okay! How can I possibly give a shit about the budget? And how can you be more concerned about money than the kids?" And then he says, "But if the money isn't there, they won't eat, and YOU'LL be pissed." And what I've realized is that we are coming from two totally different places. From things that are based on our own fears. Our own egos. Who we think we are in relationship to our children and to our family.

He's talking about the table. I'm talking about the interaction at the table. Both of them matter. But, neither of them encompass everything.

You know? I've always thought that the "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" crap was a whole lot of hogwash. Really! "Just say it like you mean it," I'd say, "and there won't be communication problems. Just be a sensitive and loving human being and we'll be fine." The problem is that sensitive and loving, to me, looks like drama over the kids, like roses and endless "I love and appreciate you"s, like tons of "I know how you FEEL and I AGREE with you completely."

Well, he does say it like he means it (Jesus Christ does he ever!). It's just that he's coming from an entirely different angle, a whole different place then I am. He IS a sensitive and loving human being. He makes sure my tires are full, that the oil's been changed, that he goes to work, that the battery is changed on my computer mouse, and that there IS a budget. That's LOVE ladies. Just in case you didn't recognize it. He loves me. And that's all I really want to know anyways. Incidentally, I sometimes hear him crying in Cale's room at night. He does take it a little bit personally.

Okay. The socks look better to me now. Maybe I should take a loving action and fold them.