I decided some time ago that I don't believe in evil, or the devil, or Hell, or anything of the sort. There's about twelve years worth of reasons for this. God, for me, is not about punishment. Instead, he lets me do whatever it is I need to do until I'm all done. Like a toddler in a high chair who's spread berry smoothie all over my face and am now developing a rapid skin irritation as a result. God says, "All done? Say ALL DONE. Then I can wipe you off and get you up." It's a giant game of Love and Logic.
A few years ago, when saying the Lord's Prayer, I started saying, "deliver me from ego" (instead of evil). Cute huh? I've always had to be a little bit different (and it has NOT exactly served me well).
Ego, in the sense that I'm talking about, has to do with self-centered fear. It's the thing that puts distance between me and others. I'm resentful that "it" didn't go my way in the past, or I'm angry because "it" isn't going my way right now, or I'm absolutely terrified that "it" won't go my way in the future (my kids not getting help, for example, and me having to drop them off at the orphanage).
Ego is true evil and yes, I'm stealing this stuff out of all the books I've read. There's nothing new here. Hopefully I'm not outright plagiarizing. But, I might be. Anyways, one can always look at calamity and break it down and trace it back to ego. I look back through time and see extreme examples of groups of people behaving badly out of selfishness and self-centered fear. "They're different, therefore not human, OR they aren't doing it "right" and they're taking our stuff. So, we can hurt them and kill them," seems to be a re-occurring theme throughout history.
Being "right" people have been able to do terrible things "in the name of God." Less extreme examples of this happen every day and can look as simple as not helping someone out because they aren't doing things, "the right way". I'm guilty of it all the time when I try to run my life MY way. And I'm not saying I always think I know how it should go. Sometimes, I don't know how it should go but I DO know that it shouldn't be going the way it's going. SAME THING. I'm basically telling God that he (or they) is wrong.
The need to be right and make someone else wrong is actually a baby act of violence. This way of thinking has caused so much disunity and suffering throughout our time in this world that the bible (and other religious texts) actually refer to end result of it as evil. A literal person, place, or thing. Of course, they do. The pain it's caused has been tangible and real. In our daily lives, it doesn't look like evil. Instead, it looks like "No! MY child needs the help and I don't care if I have to be a bitch to get it!!" It's disguised as ambition, nobility, and a hundred other good things, but it's really me trying to get you to do what I think you should do because I'm scared to death of what will happen if you don't.
So, evil isn't a fallen angel. It's really our lower human nature. The part of us that won't choose God. Not that it's bad to try to get my children help. But, what are my motives? What is motivating this decision to do something or not? And what is governing the way I conduct myself in going about the doing or not doing? Faith or fear? If I'm doing something because I'm afraid of will what happen if I don't (or if I won't do something because I'm afraid of what will happen if I do), then I'm not choosing God. I'm choosing fear. The very same action can have very different motives behind it.
The consequence of not choosing God isn't fire and brimstone. Instead, it's being so focused on myself and my own life (thinking I know what's going "right" and what's going "wrong") that I don't notice others. It's missing out on life. And choosing fear will never, ever, in the long run, bring me what I really want (like getting out of the damned high chair). I want to chose God and what that means is that I don't get to be right about you, them, or it. I can only be right about me.
So there you have it. The simplistic philosophical view that I live by (stolen straight out of every religious and spiritual text from here to Timbuktu). So, what is the freakin' point already? Okay. This is the justification for the prayer change. The point is, that I've spent the last few years asking God to deliver me from ego.
Would you like to know what's happened since I started praying this? If not, I'll trust that you'll stop reading right now.
I moved away from my beloved home town and my closest friends and family. I live in a city that is becoming home against my will, with new people that I'm falling in love with against my will. I used to have a great bottom. Now, well...it's a thirty five year old mom bottom. I used to drive an awesome, old, green Toyota Land cruiser. Now, I drive a beat up, GRAY minivan. Chunks fall off of this thing as I'm driving down the road. We used to live in an adorable, turn of the century, little house (before we had what feels like 25 children). Now, I live in my worst nightmare. A tract house that is damn near identical to every other house on the block. I'd lose the place if it didn't have the numbers on it.
I used to be an art teacher in my own classroom with green and black checkered floors. The school is now a Walgreens, my students (who were alternative high school kids and couldn't succeed in the regular high schools) are possibly on the streets or in prison, and I am a stay at home mom. My life is all about the next load of laundry. I used to have what I thought were normal children and I have come to discover that I may have to care for them for the rest of my life. I have systematically lost, piece by piece, every single thing I thought I needed in order to be who I am. I've been delivered from ego (not entirely I'm afraid). And, you know what? I'm still here. Yuck? NOT AT ALL.
Here are some things I've gotten out of this process. My home town and closest friends and family are very, VERY important to me. The people that I love (both there and here) are what I live for and the kind of friend I am is very important. I've discovered that if I don't know what to do for a friend, that it is better to be too smothering and too loving, than not loving enough. They can always tell me to back off, but they may not be able to tell me to get closer. I've learned that my sense of home (and security) comes from within me and that cars, bottoms, and houses aren't important at all (okay, my bottom is still important to me and I'm working on that one).
My former students have a God in their lives too and don't need me to take care of them anymore. Laundry isn't such a bad thing to worry about. And my kids, well....I'm still trying to grow up and swallow that pill.
I heard a story once about a lady who had this dream about what it would be like to have a child. She talked about how it would be like taking a trip to Paris. She dreamed of old streets, cathedrals, and the Louvre full of parquet floors and breath taking art. But, when she had her baby, the child had Downs Syndrome and the trip to Paris was shattered. After she grieved the loss of the dream, the loss of the "normal child," her heart mended. She came to realize that it was like taking a trip to Holland, instead, and she grew to appreciate the green crops and wooden shoes. Not at all a bad place. Just a different kind of trip then she'd anticipated.
I'm still chewing on the being in Holland for the rest of my life thing. I really, really liked Paris. But, the greatest things in my life haven't been in "my plan" and I can't argue with that. Shane always says, "Perfection doesn't give a shit what you think of it." Incidentally, I am saying "evil" again.
